I was thinking about him in the shower then i get out of the shower and there was a text from him
its like he has a camera inside of my shower that looks into my brain
he started yelling "squirt for me" then his girlfriend knocked on the door and told us to keep it down
i'm not really understanding how she couldn't figure out it was him
i'm so high that for the last 10 minutes i pretened my sock was a mouse, and played with it like it was legit.
he was fingering the outside of my pants..i knew that was my cue to leave
saw a pregnant woman in a bridal gown standing on the side of the road while her car was getting searched by police....cheers to new beginnings
I might have a beer. Just to keep this hangover on its toes.
sometimes i think my sole purpose in life is to cockblock my roommate
Woke up with his dick on the side of my face, it's like he passed out mid-mushroom stamp.
Is it uncouth to have a themed intervention? I know how much you like Star Wars.
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
Fair enough. I'm gonna finish off half a bottle of Brunettes in the shower anf relive the good ol' days. We need a reunion
It's like all my brain cells are screaming at me.
I'm dying.
There was a cop outside the house so we just put the alcohol in this watermelon
i have a queen bed, a cherrywood bed frame, and gold sheets. how are you saying no to me right now?
What did you two do last night and why did Sam send me a picture of your dick?
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