At what point did I eat out of your mouth?
Dude, just paid my sister in vicodin to go out and buy me a slushie.
He told everyone he was going inside...an hour later we get a knock on the garage door from some dude telling us a guy is passed out on the lawn and we should get him inside because it's about to rain
At what point in your drunken state would you actually believe that the cops wanted to party with you?
There was a reason that "Throat Warrior 2011" was written on my martini glass. He said my title was undisputed.
there are 5 pictures on my phone from last night, 4 are too blurry to recognize and the 5th is you dangling a twizzler over your mouth, naked.
The next time you try to involve a tickle me Elmo in my orgasm, I'm leaving you
How many of my tattoos need to be visible for an outfit to be considered "see-through"?
Thanks, girl! That means a lot. I can't wait to share my jail stories with you over salad and cupcakes.
it says 'tasty bitch' in sharpie on my tits...
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
You know you hit Mardi Grad bottom when you come to in someone's kitchen on the floor and you are eating gumbo out of a Mixing bowl with a ladle......yeah rock fucking bottom
I AM SMARTER THAN EVERY FUCKBOY WHO HAS EVER SWIPED LEFT ON ME
Pretty sure I'm partying in a onesie right now.
I'm literally watching a webcam of the Vegas strip right now and it is making me sad.
Randomize
