One thing i hate about playoff baseball: George Lopez
my shit smells like andre
I can die happy now, I have been kicked out of strip clubs on six different continents
before you smothered your pizza in mayo you blotted it with a napkin saying you were trying to watch your fat intake
2 classes, 3 finals, and $30 worth of adderall until this semester is over.
Just found a 7-11 receipt for new years eve at 1:30 am apparently we felt the need to buy three jars of pickles and a gallon of milk does this ring any bells?
I was officially considered the drunkest person in cuba when the bartender at the swim up bar made me wear a life jacket for 'safety purposes'
And I feel bad.
Because we're having a serious discussion about our sex life and you're playing minecraft?
All I know is that I'm not gonna send out SOS messages via twitter for your rescue this time.
Nooo, I ran into two if my exes, both having their engagement parties at the bar. It was like a fucking Eskimo family reunion, but with more tequila.
lost her for two hours. she was banging a russian guy in her car in the parking lot. he told her she was majestic.
Plus idk what to say. Like hello dapper gentleman will you pursue me in a midnight hangout where I can be choked
You can tell by the way he cuddles that he's got mommy issues
he tied his pants around my leg to stop the bleeding... i think he just wanted a good excuse to take his pants off
well did it work?
it was a success in both ways.
I have to lie to someone and move five gallons of fermenting alcohol across campus but after that i'll hit you up 4 sho
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