she didnt even puke last nite, shes finally hit champion status. i think im in love
Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
if another girl says "im usually cleaner down there" I'm just going to shoot myself
I'm always impressed by your drunken ability to quickly gauge how long it's been since you've shaved and whether or not your prospective hook up will care.
My biology professor just used the phrase "dick fairy" in a sentence. No, it didn't make more sense in context.
and then he publicly announced her herpes on facebook.
Second night back. Go to house party and played ring of fire. Me plus five other people completely naked. College wins.. It's going to be a long semester
hr gave me pretxwk salad and a doubke shot of grey goose. i approve! tou guys are a beautidil couple.
Also, we accidentally donated a bong to goodwill
I transported a midget tonight. He got beat up by another, midgetier midget. Is it bad that this is what makes me feel compassion after 15 years of being a paramedic?
Midgetier?
Smaller, yet meaner.
We found him in the backyard throwing shoes onto the roof yelling "WHO BRINGS CROCS TO A HOUSE PARTY?!"
It looks like I promised him my virginity, in spanish. What the hell did you give me?
I got kicked out of the bar for suggesting that the bartender drop her tits into my Redbull instead of the usual liquor
I'm eating your cookies as payment for having to listen to you. Happy sex
Dude, you kicked in the door to get to a six-person orgy while yelling "I JUST WANT TO LEARN!!"
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