I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
We have had massive layoffs this year, yet the guy who cant flush his shit seems to still have a job
He woke me up by trying to shove oreos in my mouth. im ready to go home now
i'm already feeling the tequila hangover i'm going to have on friday
yeah, i found the sharpie that everyone use to sign my tits last night. its dead.
asked the cab driver where he learned Swahili last night.
Dude when we asked him where he lived all he could tell us was "by the slurpees." That fucked up.
Update- I sold my hat to some drunk kid for 50 bucks. I used my earnings to buy beer on the way home. I realize to everyone else seeing me drinking on my balcony at 6am, I look like an alcoholic, but I'm thinking of it as a night cap
We tried lying really still and being really quiet so that he wouldn't notice us before he left the room. Forgot about the glow in the dark condom.
I immediately retract my statement involving hylecopters being allowed to blow up sharks out of the water.... The idea if it is super incredible but ultimately it would be cruel and unessesary
Literally the only clue I have to try and figure out my blackout adventures is a draft on twitter that just says "Mummies alive!"
When you're all settled in, text me, and I can sorta apologize for saying that your phone can suck my dick. What I really meant to say is that your Windows phone can suck my Android phone's dick.
I walked into the living room this morning and he was there with 3 shots in a row. He said it was "tea time."
was his pinky out?
I officially have worse injuries from a baby shower than roller derby.
Who put my cat in the fridge?
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