What's the point of being healthy if people still don't want to fuck you?
I noticed when you had too much when you were yelling "HOE-HAVE-A-SEAT" to his cat.
What did you wear last night? Because I'm pretty sure there are atleast 4 Facebook statuses about your walk of shame.
Yeah someone just put a trash bag that says "use protection" on the snow penis
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
Halfway through she said I was exactly like she imagined. So many things have been stroked this night.
I no longer exist. I have transformed into a puddle of sex.
I'm eating taquitos in the bathtub at 5:30 am. What a great end to the night
The day I let him eat me out will be the day that Donald trump is an honest, kind, non-bigoted member of society
fucked him on the porch to avoid the chanting that always happens when we leave the bedroom. backfired when a group of freshman walked by and started screaming like fucking babies.
I shouldn't have watched rise of the planet of the apes and then gotten high. I'm now convinced that the cats are out to get me.
I love you but this is the first Saturday I have ever spent at the police station. And where are my boxers?
I am literally watching TV with sunglasses on because the brightness hurts my hangover
Text me some of your sweat
These business classes have improved my drug business ten fold
Randomize
