If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns.
I woke up at 3am naked and stroking a watermelon.
This hangover is way worse than all my relationships
I'm laying outside on my patio attempting to get sun with a puke bucket next to me... This is dedication to the tan my friend
See this is what happens when we don't have sex everyday
Tomorrow is Have Sex and Climb A Mountain Day. We have amazing dates.
Why is there a water bottle full of red wine on my desk this morning?
See you tonight.
You threw up on his face 22 hours ago and now he's here holding your hand. I think he likes you.
If sandwichs had dicks, my life would be complete
And as drunk as I was I was able to show my mom how to make text italicized in Microsoft word
Erin was right. There were bees at the after hours.
Goal: finish my bio assignment before the Xanax kicks in.
Smoking weed with a blind guy, don't worry he's chill.
I know it's New Year's Eve but if you're going to have a bunch of chicks playing strip go fish in our apartment I need a heads up.
I love you so much and not just because your dick is perfect
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