I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
I told them you could toss a salad like wolfgang puck
im watching shaqs comedy special. this is how i know im not sober.
Get out of your relationship and into my pants.
I just made a moltov cocktail out of lubricant and a christmas bulb. The fire is still going strong. MERRY CHRISTMAS
do guys with small dicks even attempt to pursue romantic relationships?
She tried to sleep on the front steps of her salon so she wouldn't be late for work and these people put her in a cab to my house. She is nothing if not responsible. Can u imagine her boss finding her there this morning?
Employee of the year! :)
there is a video of me from last night trying to light my breath on fire. that drunk.
Hey to make you feel better about last night, I just shit my pants.
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
I couldn't find the oven mitts so I used a thick stack of tortillas
Every time I try to do something productive I end up searching ghost porn.
He told me he was my brother roommate in college after we fucked, but already knew that so I had pretend I didn't know that.. like how I pretended I finished. 2/10
I didn't have anyone to cheers so I tapped my beer on your fish tank... a little too hard
Turns out that fresh outta jail dick is quite something.
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