Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
You'll put your fingers inside me but you won't be my FB friend?
I have way too many pictures of poop on my phone
so he expects you to be his vegas whore for the season. nice.
I'll hook up with guys I don't even like, as long as they leave early enough the next day.
Remember...the emancipation proclimation is your favorite document, you love asian women, japanese food is the tits, and you willfully employ as many latinos as possible...
Check 'smoke weed with our ihop waiter' off of our To-Do List
I had her buy me a cock ring, so we might test that out. We are presently playing yahtzee.
Cock rings and yahtzee. Like peanut butter and jelly.
She started giving me head while we were watching the Walking Dead premiere, WORST BJ EVER.
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
He took a girl home at like eight, fucked her, kicked her out, came back to the bar, and repeated the process again at 10:30 and 2:30. THREE GIRLS IN ONE NIGHT. ALL PICKUPS. I HATE HIM.
All because of that GODDAMNED MIKE PENCE.
You know, this is NOT how I pictured my life would be when I was younger, and yet here we are.
hooked up with him and then had a conversation with his ex about how we hate people who hook up with our exs...
Randomize
