where'd the toddler underneathe the beer pong table come from?
Woke up with a chicken parm sandwich in my clutch. Aaaand I'm eating it.
Just woke up with 34 slim-jims in my pocket. Too afraid to check the others.
I think I explained what happened in the voicemail. But I think I might have just cried and ranted about how cool osiris shoes are
She kept telling me to calm down. I was on the floor with my eyes shut, not moving. In levels of calm I was one step above coma patient
We opted you as the sacrificial dick tonight. We need our patron cafe. Go make some moves.
We proceeded to buy tattoos from the dollar store and interpretive dance to of monsters and men, it's safe to say he's my new fuck buddy
I went in to wake you up this morning and you had a condom draped across your throat like a necklace. There were no boys in the house last night, what were you doing?
You fed me pizza off a sword last night.
then looked at this little girl next to me and was like "don't drink when you get older and don't let your best friend be with assholes." she looked at me like i was crazy
This chick had a condom box organized by size with dividers that glowed in the dark.
there’s plenty of nice guys out there with good jobs and NO felonies!
I will feed you tacos. I will touch your butt. Happy Valentine's Day ❤️
You know you gave a quality blow job when you have to ice your neck and jaw the next day.
We were high and the scary movies were scaring us too bad. Were all watching porn instead now
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