How do you say "I always respond to booty calls" when you give a guy your number?
I dont know if he should be happy or mad about it but he's too big for a blow job.
Now that Steinbrenner is in heaven he's going to make Jesus cut his hair
she was talking at me constantly for like 20mins. i kept praying for a brain hernia but it kept not happening...
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
I am listening to lecture and I can hear us in the background talking about anal beads.
High school girls are buying me shots. This will not end well.
I just told him that with every paper, I'd take a picture of myself with one less piece of clothing. Who say's I can't be a tutor?
Im drinking ciroc out of an ice cream cone... my night is going fantastic
i just smoked marajunia from a shotgun barrell. what have you done today?
Seriously, it's 5am. STOP CREEPIN and START SLEEPIN!
He referred to his penis as "The Purple Headed Yogurt Slinger." I'm both disgusted and turned on
You have no idea how awkward it is fucking someone with the same name as your dog
your fucking longboard fell on me while we were having sex you fucking hipster
The highlight of my week is I found some hetero porn I didn't completely hate. Branching out.
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