Ew, dude I just walked in on my boss masturbating in the supply room at the restaurant. He didn't see me so I quickly shut the door and pretended like it didn't happen. And then literally five minutes later he came up to me and cupped my face with his hands and told me what a great employee I was. I got a promotion but I'm fucking scarred for life. I can't stop cringing.
We tried having a conversation with our noses.
My dad just knocked on my door and told me that my vibrator was too loud
Lindsay lohan: road to jail is on E tonight. Bring vodka we are not missing an opportunity to make a drinking game out of this
I had the spins so badly it was like I was having sex with 2 girls
He just sent me a winky face in the middle of setting up a drug deal. You don't do that.
If you invite me to a bar tonight my liver will kick you in the testicles
I thought turtle was a code word for weed until he pulled out a baby turtle from his pocket and said "$20 for a turtle"
i dont know how he's 22 and thinks emoticons will get him laid. lady boner just died.
So I was thinking for Halloween I'd do Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde....for my vagina.
I got to the party and found your shoes in a bag of Funyuns. You weren't even there.
I feel like we should apologize to the light saber. We were REALLY inappropriate with it last night.
T minus 20 hours until we forget our names, find some city cowboys, and g&t into the night.
My lighter is stuck in my beard.
It was a bad idea to take ecstasy with cats in the house. No animal likes being touched that much. Let me know how your eye feels tomorrow
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