mom and dad googled us on the weekend. i love the internet less than i did on friday.
Best friends brother. Beat that.
Sometimes when I see a shoe on the side of the road, I get a little depressed that I've never partied that hard.
Seriously, I'm ready to settle for ugly and unemployed as long as he has decent hygene and likes to go down.
they wouldn't let me take the pitcher of beer on the ferris wheel
Do you think the neighbors will know I was the one giving out the penis shaped lollipops to the children?
I just crawled out of bed at 5AM to make her a peanut butter and Nutella sandwich. Somewhere in the distance, I could hear whips cracking.
Did you get an erection too during Paul Ryan's speech?
In brighter news I got condoms and a mattress protector today.
there is a video of me on Facebook getting mad at a trash bin what the fuck was in your Pepsi
Like for real, is your junk ok? I have to look after my investments.
My fall semester strategy is to submit my papers with a nude selfie
You've got post-grad studies written all over you
Based on the conversation I'm going to assume you didn't close the deal.
It started going awry when I fell through a roof.
Let's just say if my bucket list had "fngered in the middle of a club by a complete stranger while being sprayed by UV paint" then that is well and truly ticked off.
Come over here. Bongs and porn. I found the promised land
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