so i woke up.. still drunk and discovered my roommate in the living room passed out dick-in-hand watching porn..
What did u do?
turned the porn up and opened the windows so everybody goin to class could see him..
Dude, she puked up her Plan B, then reached in the toilet and re-swallowed it. That chick does NOT want a baby
its official. the only way for my hair to look good is to blow somebody
Night. I'll wake u up at 6 with the unfinnished vodka bottle so be prepared young grasshoper. U have much to learn.
An open call to all exes! i have a drunk text policy that requires i delete any and all texts after drink 3, however i have reason to believe i have done something stupid. if i have texted you that "I love you", "miss you" and/or conveyed any interest in getting back together with you in the last 24 hours i was belligerent and lying. That is all.
I think I'm gonna wear a bikini to our final tomorrow...just so he knows that no fucks will be given on his test
If you're not on crutches for breakfast, I'll feel like I've failed you.
I was hooking up with this girl last night and she's on top of me with "Flux Pavilion - I can't stop" grinding in the background and I thought "Holy shit I'm going to do a lot of Molly this semester."
So my class is approximately two vomits from the bus stop. Happy first day of class
Any chance the bar is open now? Also who's wedding is this?
IN OTHER NEWS did you guys see Orlando Bloom's penis today? I did
Please don't fuck the professor. We both know that won't end well.
Just found out that the guy I lost my virginity to voted for Gary Johnson. It's almost more upsetting then him ending up being a massive asshole.
Peru was great. He sent me a text after thanking me for my amazing morals which confused me but made me oddly proud...then he texted a correction. He meant my amazing oral. Sadly this Made me prouder. Fuck u bitches and ur morally inhibiting gag reflexes.
This may be the most redneck thing I've ever said, but I know all there is to know about farting dogs
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