sorry I missed your bday party.,I was vid chatting with that new guy I'm talking to all night...happy biirthday though
When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
I bet her clit looks like pig in a blanket.
For his 21st I'm getting a fancy hotel that way he can at least sleep in a nice bathtub
letting you know, as a good neighbor, that when your windows open and your shade is up we can hear and see you dancing naked to money maker... nice boobs
i have a strong feeling i fucked one of the waiters here...
When I woke up in the parking lot today I decided it is not a good idea to hang out with you anymore.
apparently i saved myself a memo last night titled "cake" and all it says is "i love it so much"
Now I get the fucking shakes every time I hear I'm Sexy And I Know It. Thanks, Captain Morgan.
I heard you were drinking whiskey straight from the bottle last night.
Actually I was drinking whiskey straight from 3 bottles, but that is neither here nor there.
We thought it was a good idea to send a picture to our HS science teacher where she's smoking a joint and I'm holding a monkey, and he invited us to lunch. NEW LEVEL UNLOCKED.
I can't. I'm not drunk enough for this information.
Okay... I just said "preach it" to the pokemon theme song. I'm hammered.
I just slipped on ice and peed on my pea coat. There's a pun there but I'm too sad to make it
So I had sex in the woods today. Anything else that happened today? Irrelevant. It was a GOOD day.
I hooked up with a guy named Quan.. I literally hit the Quan
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