my mouth tastes like poor choices
So I just almost came on my own face I had to dodge it as it was flying by...that was a first
He had one of those small greek statue penises
I just ate a whole bag of celery instead of getting up to get a glass of water. That high.
No, I stopped taking my meds because I like crazy me better
I woke up with my keys safelty pinned to my thong. It's gonna be a great day.
Theres a handprint of sauce on my frig, one streaked across my face, a trail of it to my bedroom and sauce all in my bed and i have no idea what the fuck i ate.
i havent blinked in 235 seconds. now 247. now 258. 263. 267. 271. i also have been gifted with theability to both type and count and not blink. 293 so magical
You told her to step on the scale because you had whiskey goggles, and scales don't lie.
just chugging fertility tea and vodka, no big deal.
I woke up to a stripper (who added me on Facebook) messaging me reminding me to cancel my card if I can't find it
Dude. Woke up this morning wearing that chick's panties. 8/10, would recommend. I love tequila.
Sorry about my life...
Man the amount of drugs being done at a wedding with a bunch of surgeons was disturbing
I had to cum in my sink.
Randomize
