dude i need help, im throwing up blood.
no youre not, you just drank a pitcher of red koolaid trying to sober up.
oh, so thats why my junks red.
wow. cant help you there...
I swear if she hugs me I'm going to bleach my body
I really hope your girlfriend didnt have your phone while i texted how much i loved doing it in HER car with you :x
I negotiated the purchase of an entire tray of like 50 jello shots for $8.
he then proceeded to tear down my curtains, wrap them around his waist, and use the rod as his "rod"... you tell me how drunk he is...
its not a holiday until ive ruined the family picture because im drunk
Highlight of my weekend: having my card suspended due to "suspicious charges" and standing in line at the gas station yelling at customer service on the phone that I really did go to 4 different strip clubs in one night
Unless you can cure my hangover with your penis I'm not interested.
Driving around Panama at 7 am looking for an open liquor store..
I've decided I'm peeing in a solo cup then throwing it on his windshield. It's official. He called the cops 4 times in our first week at the house. He deserves it, right?
I figure hes like disneyworld. You know youre only going once or twice in life. Might as well have fun and ride the rides
I've never used poorer judgment in my life. It's mathematically possible that I impregnated 5 women in the past 24 hours since I won the lottery. But I couldn't be happier about it.
Someone broke into my car and stole it then left me $300 to pay for the damages with a lovely note that said "we just couldn't pass up the boxed wine... Sorry about the window."
You're the reason I lose Never Have I Ever
He called me twice and texted me at 3am. Guess absence makes the dick grow harder.
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