Tell her she can't have a vagina
Today I ate a sandwich and half my molar fell off, feels like a semi sprayed into my jaw.
I wish i was spraying into your jaw.
I'm going to go hang out on a giant wooden pirate ship for 5 days.
He probably put up nude pics. He seems like that kind of guy.
She threw up all over when she was giving me dome. Not even gonna lie, it felt really good.
Next year we will be 30 and no more shots during the week.
Tell him next time im gonna be "disgrace to the family" drunk
If I ever mention marriage force me to Brazil to do coke and strippers until I die.
I was pissing in the urinal at the concert and some drunk chick ran in and yelled 'but the lines to fucking long' then ran out with 10 state troopers chasing her... Yeah
Ugh he's texting me.
Tell him you're no longer interested in what he has to offer; his shitty personality outweighs his sexual prowess.
there is no excuse for drinking mascato in your room alone while listening to one-hit wonders from the 90s
What am I doing with my life
Sleeping with dudes who have peacocks apparently.
The beer shits the day after completing the World Beer Tour at Epcot are just as epic as the tour itself.
I just smoked weed out of a tomahawk, then chased an armadillo with said tomahawk, I love my life.
I will warn you that there is a pic of me riding a buffalo....and for the record, I was completely sober!!
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