After he came all over my face, he proceeded to give me a high five. I can't even act upset because I always put myself in these situations. Did I mention D3: Mighty Ducks was playing in the background?
just by requesting 'I think we're alone now', not only did you achieve emptying the bar, but you also rubbed it in the owners face.
watching a depressing episode of spongebob while high is the most depressing thing i have ever experienced
My life is like the prequel to "40 Year Old Virgin"
16 and pregnant actually makes me really happy that i'm gay
watching E! true Hollywood story: curse of the lottery.. i'd probably spend all my money on blow and airplanes too..
Had a couple pieces of pizza for breakfast...suck on that Jamie Oliver.
I'm in a hotel full of Marines. I'm leaving here pregnant.
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
Steaks?
It's Ash Wednesday.
If you really think that not eating meat on a weeknight is going to keep you out of hell, fine. Can I use that chimichurri you made?
Totally clawed myself in the face during sex. I can die happy?
GOOD MORNING. Have you seen the Avenger vibrators?
Got stuck at my fwb place for three days because I decided sex was more important than my safety in the weather. Worth it.
Still, being medically ordered to stuff things in your vagina is amazing.
It is NEVER not funny to me when I am sitting at a table and I've touched the dicks of every single person I'm sitting with.
Randomize
