I'd rather drink alone in my closet than hang out with that girl
we seriously had to hang a plastic bag on his ears so he could throw up right into it.
you're surprised the chick that fucked you for a free cup has herpes. i don't feel bad for you.
It's like he's trying to get head in every car except his.
One last question would your parents let me sleep in your bathtub for the night?
I think winning the long island race means you lose at life
I decided I'm going to give him a celebratory fuck for his accomplishments. Knocked on his door, handed him some condoms and said "I'll be over tonight with sex and booze"
I want to be you.
TONGUES ARE JUST MEAT TENTACLES IN OUR MOUTHS OMG
HOW ABOUT I DON'T WAKE UP TO THESE TYPES OF TEXTS
She ran over a curb, took out a yard-sale sign and hit a fence before admitting to me that she may be losing her vision "a bit". Never letting grandma drive again.
It's gonna be ok. As we grow older we sometimes lose sight of what's important to us. Like safe sex. And standards.
Basically taped my dick down because it's too obvious in this costume...
Wife and kids came home early...naked passed out covered in chili cheese Fritos dad will haunt them forever.
I might have been the first person in 2015 to throw up on a yellow cab before climbing in it.
The exact people you expect to find at a bar at 2pm are here. Come visit. We'd really like the company.
She fucked a bartender in a closed Applebee’s and has the nerve to call me easy
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