I found my crush's facebook page. And his wife's. Apparently they are still in love. Of all the people to have happy marriages! Fuck, I'm depressed.
Yea i traded my bed for half a bag of jimmy johns jalepno chips, am I proud of it no, Am I happy I did it? yes
my brother walked in while we were fucking, silently took my bong from my closet, saluted us and walked out.
why didn't you tell me his penis tasted like oreos?
Also I have uncooked pasta. I was hoping that could get cooked at your place. Don't ask about the circumstances that I came into ownership of uncooked pasta
I can hear my parents having sex. I REPEAT. I CAN HEAR MY PARENTS HAVING SEX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!
Your mom is 55 and has MS. To be honest, I'm proud of her, and you should be too, bitch.
So I craigslisted sugar daddies and I'm pretty sure I found us one if you can pretend to be asian.
You're putting the star player on the bench. You dont put Michael Jordan on the bench.
Are you referring to my vagina as Michael Jordan?
Im fairly sure two chicks roofied me last night. Suckers. I love free drugs.
Why did you load my phone up with pics of Al Gore?
You slid down a wall, tried to pull your cast off and yelled that casts were too conformist.
If you're into enormous nipples, you should ask out my office's receptionist.
he literally walked in took a shit and left ringing the 'great service' bell on the way out.
Do you think in an oreo forest they would have rivers of milk?
It's a charity event and she's wearing a cocktail dress drinking a 40... I found my future wife
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