you kept begging me not to tell anyone you had been a bat in another life
I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
He went down on me and then slapped my ass saying "thanks for the confidence boost"... is this all I'm good for?
you missed kickoff and the first round of bodyshots. I suggest you get here now.
Finals week has gone away, doo dah doo dah, drink martinis naked day oh da doo dah day
My first drink last night was a 2-liter of jameson and coke. So hung over it hurt to put my pants back on
Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.
I'm considering offering a class on how to find good porn.
I have to take tonight off from shenanigans. My liver is planning a coup
He tried to make small talk to hide the fact that he was struggling to unhook my bra... at least he tried right?
I left my ice cream out over night, it's melted, fuck this, I just poured Bailey's in it. Problems solved.
PS if you want to hear something hilarious as my little sister was showing me her engagement ring I open a Snapchat from R and it's literally a dick pic. Very different points in our life
I need to stop waking up with no pants on.
what happened this time
I dont know everyone was gone and there was a bird in the room
Why r u in my phone under "the last survivor"?
You handed me your heels and said, "barefoot running is all the rage." Then you proceeded to run home.
Randomize
