oh god...if the people that live above me killed themselves again then im gonna assume im the worst neighbor ever
and being hungover still at 4 in the afternoon is NOT "having allergies"
He insisted that I looked like Kiefer Sutherland, told me he didn't know what to do about it, then hugged me awkwardly.
I five year old is judging me because I just opened a bottle of Sam Adams with my teeth before 8am
you pushed her into a kiddie pool and knocked out her front teeth... and you still managed to get laid. what. the. fuck.
The first couple times was just weird, but after last night, I'm beginning to think you have a real problem banging pregnant women who are carrying someone elses child.
Either I just got hit on by a 10 year old.girl dressed like a boy or I just got hit on by a midget lesbian. Either way I feel uncomfortable
There was a selfie of you in the dark pointing at the camera with a duck face. You sent it to my 60 year old mother with the caption "you behave"
Omg have I shown you my skeezy ex fiancée?
The other one.
Just fell off my bed trying to pose and take a nude for you. Probably broke my wrist
I think when your throwing up on the highway on the way to pick up your mom from the airport is a sign to slow down.
I'll be an awkward "I've had the grooms penis in my mouth" presence and we can party our nipples off.
We're both fucking guys named Frank. Our friendship was meant to be.
He bent me in ways I couldn't imagine.. and im a gymnast.
Between falling off a shelf on to a concrete floor and sex with you - i may never walk again.
Randomize
