This girl is very crazy
She's one of those compassionate ppl
So everything I said on this seemingly endless date offended her
I knew she was going to get knocked up just by looking at her facebook pics
He had me believing he was actually British until he came and used his real voice.
I come back into the room and you're grinding with the person in the mascot suit.
i was gonna do a lot worse than just throw cat food on you while you were passed out, but then you sleep vomited and i felt a little bad
Okay. How did someone manage to piss on TOP of a urinal? What giant is roaming around with a prick five feet from the ground?
Dude they're making a condom for people who have no feeling in their penises that will make them able to have an orgasm. I love science
A guy just grabbed my balls before he shook my hand because he thought he knew me.
There. Isnt. A. Single. Person. Who. Is. Not. High. At. Church.
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
I wish more of my problems were easily solvable by taking a good long shit.
I want to be a supportive friend to her, but I also want to sleep with her ex now that he's single.
You drink too much. You cuss too much. You have questionable morals. You're everything I've ever wanted in a friend.
Imagine how different my life would be if I could find a man who gave me more pleasure than pizza at 2am when I'm drunk.
So drunk me is not subtlety trying to get her boss to cheat on her husband and have a lesbian affair with me. Sober me is ok with that.
Randomize
