final count. 18 beers. 4 shots baileys. 2 shots vodka. 1 glass champagne. vomited in the yard after losing my phone in a field for 8 hours. Possibly played tag with myself
I owe all of my success to double stuf oreos and weed.
Just gave some kid head in the library. Perfect way to end the semester.
I'm buying you potatoes, the least you could do is not ask any fucking questions and just say thank you.
I need to stop smoking. I just talked to corn.
you seemed to enjoy falling down hill
wow, never heard the last few months of my life put so succint
Found plan b box covered with blood. In kitchen sick. Pickle jar is empty. Wtf happened?
Don't worry we will all be making bad decisions soon
That's the most comforting thing I've heard in months
After 3 dates I think I'm failing at painting the "sweet guy with a future" picture and more painting the "this is the guy to call when you've run out of options and want to get fucked in half drunk to forget about it" picture.
HE'S LICKING FROSTING OFF OF THE EIGHTEEN YEAR OLD BOY
Nothing like banging your nurse in the shower while staying in the hospital
I was just randomly reminded of the night you were wrapped up in a bed sheet carrying a full bottle of cookie dough vodka and warning neighbors of the weirdos running around
I'm too over dressed and drunk for this emergency vets office
Literally just sitting around waiting for someone to come along and fuck my chakras back into alignment
I should have known when she said it would be "fun" we'd end up in the hospital
Randomize
