True true and the only thing that will burn more than the vodka we will consume is the shame in our loved one's eyes
And yet we make it a tradition to get inappropriately drunk at family functions. We amaze me.
At least it's not a funeral this time... I feel we're making improvements.
I'm going to write a book about John. It's going to be called big dreams, little dick
He's drinking red wine in a margarita glass. He couldn't be more perfect for me.
Dear Penis Owner...our records show that you are overdue for servicing...please contact our friendly associates to schedule a thoroughly satisfying experience today...operators are standing by...
I'm sure me singing - rather loudly - "fuck me in the back seat" last night didn't help either.
This is the point in ur life where u should realize there's nothing left but a spiral of shame
I should but I don't. All I see is an escalator of success
I will take a blow job from a dude that kinda looks like a girl at this point
I forgot how easy it is to have sex in public when you're wearing a dress. Thank you global warming.
you literally stared at me for three minutes and then said "hey this tequila isn't gonna drink itself, boss"
I feel like I got hit by a truck. And I vaguely remember getting into an argument with a passive aggressive Ron Burgundy in a onesie- grown man, not a baby- about the pronunciation of New Orleans
He kept kissing me on the cheek when I was pretending to sleep while he cried
No, and she still hasn't answered me...I get a whole series of text messages about Guatemalan anal bleaching but no fucking answer to my question.
I'm shotgunning a meatball sub and watching flip or flop. i have reached a new level of singledom.
You told me I got kicked out of the bar for lipping off to the bouncers... what shocked me the most was that I made it to the bar
It'd be good to change things up a bit, right now the only public service I'm doing from my apt is hanging out in my underwear with the lights on.
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