in jail i did the beyonce ass shake for the police officers & called Sally from my collect phone in my cell & started singing "im in JAAAIL IM IN JAAAIL",
All I did today at work was try to remember in vivid detail what your cock looks like.
i hate when i ask a girl what she's being for halloween and the first word isn't "slutty"
the dude from the bar called to tell his mom about me immediately after we finished PLEASE COME GET ME
That bus ride was like a tour of all the bushes I puked behind last night
As a matter of principle, I waited until noon to start the drinking binge.
My neighbor caught me peeing on his rose bushes at 2 in the morning while wearing my Santa hat. My sex appeal has never been higher.
I remember fighting the chubby dude and the bouncer put me in the full Nelson. Woke up this morning with a dislocated shoulder. We need to finish the rest of this beer though
Is it normal that every guy I hook up with tells me my hair is sexy as it's happening? Like that can't be normal
I'm counting my small victories this morning. For instance, I haven't puked at work yet.
HOW THE FUCK IS IT POSSIBLE THAT THE JUNIOR HIGH STUDENT IS BETTER AT BEING AN ADULT THAN I AM!?!?
i just sneezed the second i jizzed and it got in my eye. words can't describe how much i hate life right now.
My ex is stopping by while he’s working tonight after delivering a pizza to fuck me, then going back to work at Pizza Hut. This is what my life has become.
They call you PBJ boy because you were trying to seduce me with pieces of a peanut butter and jelly sandwich. Successfully might I add.
I can’t shake the image of her gigantic black unibrow. It’s like I got a blowie from Eugene Levy
Randomize
