Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
She came over and gave me a handy and then just lingered for a day and a half. Worst weekend ever.
Tonight when I'm getting a bj from a stripper I'm gonna imagine it's you bobbing down there
lets just use each other and get past this awkward stage. forget my name.
There is no way I am paying you $5 apiece for pot brownies you found behind a dumpster. $2, maybe.
Turns out, his fucking is as lame and staggered as his NFL career.
It's my vagina- remember its magical and yes I just did mini spirit fingers
you should probably know that there's a naked dude in your window
i wouldn't normally say anything but you seem to not be there
The party invite said "this ain't no lame stoplight party, you come to hookup or you don't come" I feel like their honesty deserves out attendance
Not to mention having our pick at the ensuing sausagefest
I don't want anything calamari shaped after last night. But I appreciate the Cheerios offer.
So i just remembered that thing i use to do with your butt because of shark week.
I had to reschedule my trainer meeting so now I'm just here eating hot pockets
I just changed all my morning alarms to wake me up with different Jesse McCartney songs telling me I'm beautiful. Would you believe I'll be 25 this year?
the cop said "drunk and disorderly" like it was a bad thing
The more drunk I get the more I want to steal a lamb
What would be the possible repercussions of lamb theft
Randomize
