you were almost asleep and mumbling "your penis is on my cheek"
my dad brought home flowers.. so i started talking to them
We're friends. And when I drunkenly send u a pic of my left testicle i would appreciate a response.
Do you think the Slutcracker will use the original score? I'll be so sad if they don't.
It's Christmas week. I wouldn't know what to do if i wasn't hung over.
I don't know what happen last night but the fact that it's 9 am and I need to put my dick in something means it didn't go as planned.
He burnt a smiley face into the screen with a cigarette, peed in my tub and then tried to take off his pants. tried...
i just remembered that i did the "single ladies" dance ON THE BAR...fuck you slippery nipples i curse the day i discovered you
All three of my roommates have their significant others over. We're all hanging out in the living room. It's like I'm the trifecta of third-wheeling
I was just tryna bring you beer girl. I should've known you'd be shirtless though
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
Uhh I just had to break up with a guy who I didn't even know I was dating...
Hun your dick isn't big enough for you to be that lame and predictable
At one point she put on my dads pants and yelled after him EMILIOOOO! Dude, my dads name is Mark.
just discovered a semi frightening wound on the side of my head that must have happened last night. if i die of a brain aneurysm, make sure they put "sorry for partying" on my gravestone.
Randomize
