did you get my message about your dog?
no... is he ok?
no, i didn't see him when i was being chased out of your house. check your drive way :( sry
He cant even get with danielle. Thats like striking out in t-ball
i awoke yet another morning with penis breath. ive been so generous santa has to bring me a shit ton of presents
It took us hanging out like four times to kiss. Id like to fuck you before I'm 30
the towel caught on fire outside the hottub but we were all too stoned to care
I keep waking up with the nagging feeling I gave him half a hand job through his shorts.
You drunk invited us to do an intervention for you.
If I am going to pay someone to make me puke, it's going to be the bartender.
i asked the cop if we could stop and do a chinese firedrill.... he said no.
Well, somebody (me) put on reindeer antlers, crawled around on the floor, and meowed at people... So yeah, I'd say it was "one of those nights"
I feel like our relationship should have moved on from you constantly asking if I'm gay
I don't know what to say to that. All I know is my vagina is trying to jump through the phone.
My neighbor came out@4am in a pink nite gown n clotheslined a punk on a mo-ped w/her mop handle, then just walked back in her house like she just checked the mail. MILF 1 PUNK 0
Listen, some people have dreams, some people just want to cock slap a kangaroo
There's a hole in our hallway wall. Don't hate me. I'll fix it. It's only about the size of a beach ball. I promise to never scale walls in our apartment ever again. Don't hate me. I love you.
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