don't tell her this, but while we were doing it doggy style I picked up my phone and changed my status to "who let the dogs out"
I was about to watch some really classy porn. Title was ravenous for dick. I didnt know pornstars knew ravenous was a word.
When I told my mom I was having a rough time, she responded with "pop a xanax, take a nap, and when you wake up all will be right with the world." My mom is finally starting to shape up.
Okay. Did anyone see me spend $1600 at the strip club last night? Or is this someone else's receipt in my pocket?
I will come over now to take full advantage of you in your vulnerable state.
Fine. I should warn you I just threw up in danas fish tank. Fish are dead. Livers dead. I smell and look like a dead animal. And not showering. So deal with it.
I figured you left because I was a shit show. Were you still there when I got locked in the bathroom and didn't know where I was? If not, that could have been a dream. I'm still not sure.
He just showed up at my house and was like "have you seen an axe laying around?" he wasnt wearing any shoes.
Oh and my new excuse for not being able to hook up is cholera, feel free to use it
As I am reading this. I'm standing in my underwear eating taquitos. I'm saying this in the most loving way possible: FUCK OFF.
There are two guys's cum on my sheets. Be a man and be the third.
Being sober is boring. Tomorrow I'm def bringing wine and my vibrator to work. Might even booty call that hot guy on floor 5. Making the last week at this job legendary.
I ate her out in the bathroom and she did my makeup. Man i love being a lesbian
Why the fuck was I face down on the floor with you mounting me like a horse anyway? I'm so confused
75% of the time I swipe right on Bumble for girls over 40 is because I think their 18 year old daughter is hot.
This woman at the blackjack table is sitting on a pile of newspaper so she can pee at her seat and never miss a hand.
Randomize
