Why does it say "go to Planned Parenthood tomorrow" on my dry-erase board?
you kept telling everyone that you were the mayor of silverware town
I'm buying a chandelier at walmart. WHO'S CLASSY NOW, BITCHES.
i definitely just woke up with half of a cigarette tucked underneath my balls. Last night must have been interesting
She handed me a mouthguard and said "here, you're going to need this" that rough.
He just gave a drunken 7 minute speech on how to make the perfect grilled cheese. he explained types of butter and cheeses....i think i love him
we took shots then she made me eat a dill pickle with cream cheese wrapped in a piece of turkey.
I'm thinking about wearing a strap-on just to freak him out the next time he pulls my pants off.
Do you think wearing a shirt that says I like penis is too much for tonight?
I thought he was having it in Athens. Alright. Have fun. Please save my dignity and refrain from talking about my boobs and sexual "abilities". If I have any. I just feel like they are going to ask. Repeat after me. And repeat it 5 more times. This is going to be the phrase you're going to rely on tonight: "I can neither deny or confirm such actions."
I don't believe in coincidence. I believe in the stars aligning perfectly to sodomise me in public. Who ever said I was cynical?
You used his ass cheeks to demonstrate how to play the bongos and he still called you the next day. That's true love.
The guy got mobbed on, all hell broke loose. About 20 cops showed up, and this kid somehow convinced a cop that letting him pee in front of him is justifiable. This guy could sweet talk Hellen Keller, he was THAT good
You are, as of last night, the self declared king of pooping. Long may you reign.
He is farting the alphabet right now. In the goddamned restaurant. You don't get to recommend men anymore. Or restaurants for that matter.
Randomize
