Ive either hit rock bottom or become my own hero.
tonight, alcohol would be proud of us
bailing my boss out of jail is a great way to spend memorial day
i was so fucked up i thought i was at home depot
they esentially rejected my mermaid threesome offer:(
Does making ice cubes at 4 in the morning count as being productive?
He rubs his penis on back when he think I'm sleeping
In the 30 seconds it took me to leave the bar I let the barback motorboat me, ripped open a stranger's shirt and bit his chest, then made out with El Camino dude. No, I'm not coming out tonight.
I woke up using a pile of socks as a pillow. I think theyre clean so thats a plus.
There was a dismembered bleeding penis in my dream last night. That's some serious Freudian shit.
So how many licks to the face does it take to get kicked out of the bar?
Ye. Looking like it's about to be one of those mythical responsible weekends
I'm not a home wrecker but if one more married man with a yacht asks me to go scuba diving I'm NOT saying no
I only call her for sex and medical advice. She admitted she feels like a worried parent when her phone rings at 5 a.m.
and i do believe that will be the last time you send me a photograph of our mother in her underwear.
Randomize
