When my options for Friday night are being a 3rd wheel or bringing a gay man as my date i need to focus on other things in life like having a successful career.
Sandra Bullock looks like the most recent Michael Jackson
I wish there was a non-hangover washing machine that I could stick myself in right now
once the tequila comes in everyone elses feelings go out the window.
What happened?....
He lifted up the blanket, and whispered "Don't do it" to his sperm....
I just saw her punch a kid in the face.. i always knew she was the girl for me.
he brought me knee pads...is that sweet or weird?
I'll be accepting presents in the forms of drinks, drugs, and orgasms. So any or all of those will be fine.
I never thought I'd say this but my vagina is taking a serious break for awhile
Just served breakfast to a bunch of hella drunk kids. They kidnapped the birthday boy for his 21st and he was wearing a disney onesy and bunny ears. They've been drinking since before dawn, why don't we have friends like that?
He got an erection from helping me mobilize my lumbar spine. I love physical therapy school.
future reference: when you get a text that says "WARNING: EXPLICIT PHOTOS BEING DELIVERED. VIEWERS DISCRETION IS ADVISED." you always open the attached picture.
Oh my god, it's like someone broke the off button in my butthole
I’m pretty sure I have teeth marks on my neck
no real plans this weekend. trying to derail the alcohol induced fucking hell train I've been riding for the past three weeks.
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