Don't be mad at me. I know peeing in your drawer is 1 thing and peeing on you while you're sleeping is another, but im sorry..i love you
I was just texting to see if your vagina was working yet.
My STD test came back clean. I'd like to thank all the guys I've slept with, they made this possible. I want to say thanks to all my friends, for believing in me living up to the full slut potential. And last but not least, I'd like to thank alcohol. I wouldn't be who I am today w/out you. I feel like I need to frame this...
Dude you picked up her Chihuahua and threatened to kill it yelling "it's not cinco de mayo, bitches"
Tonight marks the 1 yr anniversary of me waking up in a bush. is that reason enough to celebrate?
I just hate that one day I'll have to tell our children how we met, makes me look like a gold digging whore
just peed on my shirt somehow, im calling it a day
People don't tend to fuck with you when they think you have someone else's blood on your face
I was so gone I thought the cops banging on my door were kids from the party trying to get into my room... needless to say, I started moaning louder so they would take the hint.
If you could not mention to him that I slept with his best friend, that'd be cool of you.
He has a beach house and a Simba tattoo. Our wedding is next Tuesday, hope you're free.
There are flour footprints all over the house. Either u guys are trying to pull that Paranormal Activity shit on me again, or u got drunk and tried to make pancakes.
You and your dick were a topic of high regard tonight
There's a guy in a plaid shirt running around asking everyone if they want to head butt him
On a scale of having tea with Ghandi to the apocalypse how bad of an idea is it to drink with a 100 degree fever?
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