I'm at subway, this 8 year old kid is judging my fashion sense with his dad. I want to kill myself.
It's ok, he's just 8, he's not judging you.
He just asked why I'm sitting alone. I honestly want to cry.
No, asshole. I'm not gay. But if I was I think I would do better than fucking Nick Lachey.
If you stick your dick in my spaghetti, we're fighting.
Naturally, I just peed all over the floor. Two guys in front of me looked at me, but i just shrugged. They won't remember either.
should i be impressed or disgusted that i was spitting glow-in-the-dark?
We're playing a drinking game to 'how to train your dragon'. has it really come to this?
Whoevers house this is has only beer and cream cheese in the fridge. Thats the diet im gonna go on
you told that cab driver that when the 3 of us come togehter it means happiness and love
Just took last nights make up off with a sock. That hungover.
He can keep it, but if he asks for anything else i'm just going to start pissing on things.
The international association of gay square dance clubs had a booth set up in the lobby of my hotel.
How did you not realize the handbrakes were stuck?
I thought I was just out of shape.
Zach, it's Lisa from work. Was that you yeiling BALLS DEEP at me on I-25 or is it just something about me that invites that from rando creeps?
Yeah, I probably need some combination of electric shock, massive quantities of LSD, and enough couch time time to make Woody Allen say "Enough".
I will pepper spray him so fast I don't even care
Randomize
