K got coke dick during a threesome with two strippers. Say no to drugs.
i really did not know you could catch crabs from a sofa until now
The bender is in full force. After 2 bloody mary's at breakfast we are now drinking vodka redbull "as a precaution" so we will stay awake for the club tonight.
i realized i had a pad on before i went to this guys house so i stuck it in his neighbors shrub.
I had one margarita and got the worst headache of my life... its like my liver has senior week ptsd
Yeah but the gay hasidics turned out to actually just be real gay hasidics
I think rescheduling my finals around when Im going to be hungover is responsible
The vagina on Hilton Head is mighty fine this time of year.
Oh they knew you from a bachelorette party! You were the pole?
Ohhh shit yeah that was me. Fuck. I hate myself when I do that.
And by "schedule" I meant crumbled up liquor store receipt, that I wrote shit on.
Cause a man that looks THAT good must have an ass that tastes like lucky charms
Can you check on Mike in the bathroom. It's been like 20 min.
He's fine. He's just standing at the trash can in line for another beer from the keg. Nbd.
It's 11:13am and my chem prof is drinking a beer in class. I guess finals week is stressful for them too
My night has consisted of googling cat penises and creating a Tinder profile.
in the future we should consider sippy cups so we can drink and passout accordingly
Randomize
