He asked me to sit on his face, but i didnt, for 2 reasons, one, i had just pooped like 20 mins before sex, and two, this could be my future husband. so i skipped on sitting.
Dude if it is possible to orgasm from shitting i think it just happened.
I'm just sayin. Is it sad that I spent my last dollar on a hamburger just to get a paper bag to huff out of?
Google Chrome's "top 8 most visited sites" page has become my motivation to stop masturbating
alcohol. turning childhood friends into awkward hookups since the dawn of civilization.
While looking for an apartment, I've realized that the way I rate balconies is on the "how easy would it be to smoke weed here" scale.
What other scale is there?
Fuck that. I will get OUT of CONTROL And rise from a hangover on Sunday like Jesus himself.
Less than a month to go... I do not understand how I was able to put up with a roommate who wears bright green Crocs for a year.
This morning was so rough I can't even. I was cutting up vegetables for my omelet on the floor. THE FLOOR. I sat on the floor because I felt like I was gonna vom.
Just woke up with an entire pack of Oreos in my cheetah onesie. I've been waiting for this moment forever.
he gave me a flinstones gummy vitamin and was like, "ya know.. because of ebola."
Woke up with 5 texts apologizing from a number I named "guy who elbowed me in face"
He had a flex off with himself in the mirror but he thought it was someone else for at least 20minutes.
So, then you thought it was a good idea to dress up like the Hamburglar, buy a bag full of McDonalds hamburgers, go to Burger King and throw them at everyone while screaming "HAMBURGLAR!". At that point there was no stopping you.
I hate that I still want him to look at me as the vagina that got away.
Randomize
