So there are ramen noodles in the shower you need to explain...
This morning when you woke up you looked like one of the Wii Bowling people. I think it was the eyebrows combined with the sambuca
i woke up in the lobby of Holiday Inn on a chair sitting up straight
I want to tell you about my weekend in person so I can see your look of judgement and disgust.
Do you know any thirteen year old jewish kids? I'm looking for a party.
You're asking the wrong person. I was drunk on nyquil and jager.
Did you hear me? I HAVE THE CONTENTS OF AN NBA PLAYER'S CONDOM IN MY BEDROOM TRASHCAN!! This shit is potentially worth millions of dollars to a fertile young female who is ovulating. How do I sell it fast??
You kept yelling in my face " YOU'RE GONNA HAVE TO SUCK A DICK TONIGHT!"
You know what the worst feeling in the world is? Sitting in your 6pm AA meeting still hungover from the night before
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
The only person who DOESN'T think it's a horrible idea to sleep with my ex is my therapist. Obviously I trust her judgement above all others.
She was trying to be sexy well putting on my condom with her mouth when her cat pounced from the corner of the room witch caused her to gasp and inhale the condom
i like that he makes me laugh. those are like my two favorite things. laughing and fucking.
What the fuck dude?
Sorry bro...
YOU HUMPED ME FOR AN HOUR WHILE YELLING "I GOTTA ASSERT DOMINANCE"
lord you gonna make me abandon my soup for tasteful catboy nudes
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