The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
we thought you were sober enough for a movie but you took one look at emily blunt and screamed "aw this bitch?!" and passed out 30 seconds later
just chugged some gatorade and threw it up. todays gonna be awesome
Sorry no. I've already promised my first single hookup to somebody.
Penises. Penises everywhereeeeeeeee. Penis ratio is sooo disproportionate. I can't NOT get laid tonight.
Ok well I'll be up all night studying if you need a wake up call or a place to put your penis.
Disregard the shoes in the freezer.
I wore a bird inflatable and still got laid. So there's that.
I mean with a sentence like that I knew I would be cumming
Finally met a man who appreciates my beer pong skills, definitely a keeper for the weekend
Woke up this morning with Nerf Bullets stuck to everything in my house and nut in my belly button. What exactly happened last night?
when u match a guy bc he's from Oregon & he's trying to flirt, shut up i just want to talk about trees
Update: I spent 10 minutes trying to fish out a rogue vagina weight.
He picked me up in Smart Car with the license plate “MYWHIP.” I think my ovaries shriveled up and died.
This is the weekend we were supposed to be in Vegas making bad decisions hoping no one got VD, not stuck at home for the 900th day in a row
Randomize
