Yesterday I was informed there is a jewish dating website called jdate, I'm considering joining out of academic curiosity
so im watching realhousewives of jersey with my mom. she just said they werent really rich bc they were doing their own makeup.
I'm playing wingman, but I want to pull a Goose and die.
i'm almost done photoshopping my face on his wife. it's a done deal
Y'know, without the cops, it would've just been us daydrinking,
I thought we agreed I wasn't a screamer?
I feel like a great embryo-shaped weight has been lifted off my shoulders.
She was blacklisted from the Uhaul center...what the fuck do you have to do to get blacklisted from a Uhaul center
We convinced you to take a shot out of the sponge...there were still suds in it.
Just finished my quantum homework in ladies room writing with eyeliner. I am the party/physics champion.
The only alcohol in the house was a bottle of Sherry. It's like cough syrup that I shotgunned off Strawberry Shortcake's ass.
I'm going home because your Crackraptor step-brother tried getting his nasty meat hawks in my pants last night.
I'm terrified that I'm going to have a baby with a guy who posts snapchat stories while ignoring my texts
He said I taste like cake. Like funfetti. So I feel like if he doesn't come back for that he's just dumb
GOD DAMN IT I COULD HAVE HAD A MOTHERFUCKING 3 WAY LAST NIGHT. WHY BOOZE, WHY?!
Randomize
