I think i found my new favorite workout. Go to a party where you dont know anybody and constantly walk around the house so you dont look awkward standing alone. im up to 1.8 miles
It just sucks seeing everyone get flowers but me...
yeah, but they die. it takes a while, but they die. just like all of these kids relationships will. tequila doesnt die. its a live in the moment thing... like a valentines day one night stand. so long run, tequila is the better gift.
I just want to point out that nothing makes my hickie/hangover more obvious than sleeping in a scarf and sunglasses. nothing.
She found my wedding ring, sallowed it and wished me good luck explaining it to my wife before walking out. Now what?
I just crawled out of bed at 5AM to make her a peanut butter and Nutella sandwich. Somewhere in the distance, I could hear whips cracking.
I'm just going to lay in a blanket cocoon of self pity for the next few months.
Just blowing bubbles with my nipple rings in my shower.
You always make things weird.
I was so stoned last night I got into an argument with your voicemail message.
my cockatiel has aquired a taste for beer. I should not be allowed to own exotic pets.
How drunk is she?
She's trying to French braid the dogs hair, there's no stopping her
My exam ends at 4pm so I plan to be passed out in the bar by 5pm. Want to join me?
Called Apple, my penis pics are safe.
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
One sec I was having the time of my life, the next I was shitting water
Found your bra in my backseat. And yes it took me that long to finally clean it out from last weekend
Didn't even know it was missing, if that makes you feel any better
Randomize
