i went to disney world today with my friends, met snow white, then saw her later at a bar. she is naked next to me in her bed, passwed out. when you wish upon a star...
cab driver says "I saw your friend who opens her legs. she went home with two guys." pretty sure he was talking about you
this is hardly the first time i've been told i'm dressed "too suggestively" for 7 in the morning.
My mom gave me a book called "why good people do bad things"
I didn't realize you were one of the "good people"
You know i think she's just using me for sex
I hate you.
I just test ran being their maid. I'm getting 50 bucks a month and they're buying the costume.
You took a bar mat shot.
I accidentally KO'd a baby in the airport. Thought you should know.
My arms are still sore. Apparently, lube wrestling is the best workout ever.
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
According to you, you were with your "Eskimo bro for life" last night.
Is 36 too old to fuck a college student? THIS IS BOTH IMPORTANT AND TIME SENSITIVE
There were firefighters and a fire truck up the street. I asked what was wrong and their exact words were "Just a tiny explosion; it'll be all right"
He brought me another shot of rum, ice and my underwear when I woke up.
What a gentleman.
I KNOW, right?!
All time low: no dry towels so I'm using the sex towel to dry off
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