my goal in life is to wake up with my underwear on
This girl told me I had the balls of an infant..I replied by saying her vagina looks like Stargate.
I literally made his dick bleed. How the fuck do you think it went?
My new apartment is within walking distance of both the liquor store and the chinese buffet. This is either going to be my worst life choice ever or my best.
guess who's eating a vending machine cheese danish, has no panties on, and is still the classiest bitch at this bus stop?
That place is a DUI and an STD waiting to happen. I think I'll pass.
Tried making out with pop rocks in my mouth. That shit is magical.
Taking Gomer to the ER. He tore something trying to stretch his nutsack enough to put his balls in his own ass. I need new friends.
So the bump is from hitting my head in an elevator. Apparently I dived into a cab head first too.....
He's probably the biggest I've seen outside of the porn I vehemently deny watching and he asks if I think he's too small
Sex aside I am really scared about Syria...
If you had a dick, I would hope it falls off and comes back to haunt you while fucking your ears at night. But you don't. But if you did, that's how mad I am at you
I swear to fucking god if he takes away netflix I will have no problem sending his gf our sex videos
I went in the hotel's jacuzzi fully clothed, threw up in the bathroom half an hour later and woke up naked next to Dr. Seuss' "Oh the Places You'll Go"
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
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