my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
Remember when the only STD we had to worry about were hickies? Those were the days
Gay walks of shame are so much more Amy Winehouse than straight girls
last day of my family cruise we all got trashed and had an award ceremony. I got the award for hooking up with a cougar. my grandma hugged me and said im living up to the legacy. this is why my familys better than yours
Today has been the most awkward masturbatory day of my life. Possibly even more awkward than when my mom found my vibrator on Mother's Day.
Yeah...I know. It's cute I think...I mean cute in a weird like hey I kinda took you home from the bar one night, maybe criticized your penis, and fucked your brains out...kinda sorta way
My mom slipped a condom in my pocket along with a sticky note that said "be safe sweetie."
I'm going on a new diet. It's called the "eat healthy otherwise boys won't want to have sex with your fat ass" diet. Wish me luck.
i think i need to institute a "if your dick has been in my mouth this year i get a xmas present" policy
It would be like if I said I had the cure for cancer and my explanation was I like turtles.
Pre-chapter meeting quote: "Why is there a bun literally taped to the shelf? That doesn't even make sense when you're drunk, who does that?"
We had sex and then stood naked in his living room eating zucchini bread.
Will you remind me I changed my hotspot phone password to fuckyouprivilegedwhitedude
Just got done being naked and Mooning the cops. I'm still alive. Let's drink.
She couldn't find her toothbrush so I had to wait while she sucked on the 12 peppermints she found under the couch. Pretty resourceful for her level of intoxication.
Randomize
