dude facebook disabled my account because im registered under a false identity. now in order to get it back, i have to prove that it's really my name. i sent them an email and had to sign it "Cordially, Lloyd Pancakes"
So you started off by saying "no homo," but patting his crotch and saying his jeans fit him wonderfully may have overshadowed that.
Thanks for the birthday present, i had so much fun playing with it
Are you talking about my vagina?
my mom was in labor with me for 32 hours, it's only fair to start drinking now.
They can't keep moving my court date back, i dont know if I'll survive another one of these going away to jail parties.
I'm watching people hook up tonight who, when they wake up tomorrow, are going to wish they were blind.
He answered his phone while he was eating me out and proceeded to yell at his wife for interrupting lunch...impressed or rock bottom?
He said he was gonna go pull a lochte and the next thing we know he's outside ass naked peeing in the neighbors kiddie pool.
Lol no. She's home safe. You forget she is too pretty to get arrested.
My mom just told me she would flash her tits to a cop to get me out of jail, and then we high-fived.
I swear to god, my hangover cure is a green tea and a 15 minute twerkout. works every time
My roommate told me he found me naked in the shower puking and when he asked why I was naked I said "you can't wear clothes in a shower"
They ran out of toilet paper so I used the rug to wipe my vagina
THE SUN DOESNT SET TIL 647 YAAAAASSSSSSSSSS. Goodbye seasonal depression hello regular depression
Well it was okay until he pinned my arms over my head and I found the loaded pistol tucked behind the bed... THIS IS WHY WE DON'T FUCK BOYS IN MONTANA ANYMORE
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