I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
I love when I'm alone in the house. It's like pants were never invented.
4 am. She strained the mac and cheese onto her legs. She has no skin.
The walls are thin & apartments are narrow so all the bedrooms are next to each other. Our complex could compete in synchronized orgasms.
Dramatic love triangle! I guess mystery Asian and I will just have to fight it out for your love.
i have officially banned the recreational use of bayonets.
Put down the bong. Turn off Hey Arnold. Stop calling me football head.
I love you football head
I just saw a fat girl roll down the steps taking out three people with her, thought you should know.....
I feel like getting drunk at the airport is sort of a rite of passage into adulthood, but maybe i should reserve that occasion for a flight thats not just 1 hr
Planning a foam party. Swimsuits are mandatory, and please no granny suits. If you wear a granny suit I will stick you in the corner and put a cone hat on your head.
hes like bread. how could bread be dangeous
I am too high to deal with coming home to 11 naked people in my living room
My sister texted me to say she just found a corn on the cob in her purse from last night. You need to party with us more.
Apparently mr clean magic erasers don't clean blood off the ceiling
Sorry for peeing on you and your bed last night.
Randomize
