dude you were so wasted last night you ate a sandwich made out of tomatos, cheese, doritos, salt & pepper. Then you heated it in the micro for 5 min to melt the cheese.
Too much gin, very little bucket
I wish "capable of destroying an innocent girl's life" is something I could put on my resume
Tell her to not eat the pizza she threw up on.
In their defense you were hugging a watermelon for a good portion of the trip
well other than the faint smell of fireworks in the truck you can't really tell the windshield was exploded
Once again I am on the toilet and refuse to get up
What a great time to reflect on life
Not as awesome as someone telling you that you have the biggest tits they've ever seen. And they're like 30-something, so they've seen a decent amount of tits in their lifetime.
They've taken all the lighthearted fun out of S&M.
"Do You Wanna Build a Snowman" came on while I was riding his dick. I had to take a moment.
"Masturbate" is an actual item on an actual ToDo list of mine. It is at the top.
I'm pretty sure the rest of my evening will consist of masturbating, drinking tequila and watching children's movies.
DO NOT PREHEAT THE OVEN THIS MORNING! WE STARTED USING IT AS A WINE STASH AROUND MIDNIGHT.
So what's it like to be pregnant?
It feels like I'm hungover and when I was drunk I was kicked off a mechanical bull and then trampled.
honestly, fuck you guys. i'm gonna get drunk by myself
Randomize
