Today at work while talking to my co-worker we both realized at the same time that last year I had a one night stand with his roommate and he was in the living room drinking coffee when I did the walk of shame. YAY.
I can't believe he cheated
Whatever. Anytime she has an orgasm, it's because I taught him how
My favorite part was when he stopped, looked up in the middle of performing oral sex and asked, "you did know it was Arbor Day, right?"
I'll be honest. I knew what I was getting into. I'm not proud, but I'll be damned if I'm ashamed. 6 month draught is over. That's justice.
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
Just got done fucking the squirter chick. She came when we were in a 69. I now know what it's like to be water boarded.
I made a bet with her that she would show me her tits if I finished my beer. Only on spring break.
currently taking a solo cab to the strip club at 1 in the morning. this is healthy.
This wedding is gonna be a disaster. I already had to turn down one of the groomsmen who offered me $100 to sleep with him next wknd.
Too low?
Yes.
What is soo wrong about a house of half-naked people hugging each other and laughing?
The pinata full of drugs?
How bad would it be if I asked him for my "ho ho ho" thong back? They're my fav christmas pair!
Easter was a success. We had an egg hunt and hid weed and conforms inside them. Cooked a ham, made some jello, got wasted. THIS is adulthood?!
lol hangovers are for mortals.
We were having sex and he started doing some weird swivel move. I was like wtf and he said sorry just trying to pop my knee.
I woke up this morning and my house is covered in shredded cheese with my laptop open and a google image search for "awesome shit".
Randomize
