it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
Excuse me? I'm weird? You're the one sticking your penis into a pringles can.
I will also inform you that stairs change when you change a house. Those hurt.
I tipped the hot bartender my entire wallet. Again.
Just because Aaron is a gender neutral name does not mean I am letting you name your baby after a drug dealer
You were fucked up like a footballbat trying to eat gum off your shoe. And that wasn't even the nights lowest point.
I'll give you $10 to get a dick pic with a gecko on it.
She's dressed as a slutty goth schoolgirl. Those are my three favorite things. God himself could not give me whiskey dick.
We get an extra hour of sleep. That means we can take an extra shot tonight. Sound logic. Thank you daylight savings.
I would like you to know I am eating your apology chocolate, which means i forgive you for puking everywhere before formal
Did we pole dance in front of my boss last night or was it just me?
A stranger came up to me, pointed at my drink and asked what it tasted like and proceeded to chug half of it and then walked away.
We grabbed as many adult diapers as we could and made a run for it.
I'VE LOST MY DIGNITY, MY PRIDE, AND EVEN MY BOOTY CALL. HAPPY THANKSGIVING.
So drunk me is not subtlety trying to get her boss to cheat on her husband and have a lesbian affair with me. Sober me is ok with that.
Randomize
