god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
Well that's not true. She had two social skills. She kept them in her bra
So some girl kept staring at me and giving me these weird looks. That's when I realized she could probably hear the Mulan soundtrack playing on my iPod...
i thought i was the drunkest one there til some girl puked in the tip jar.
you say it like running around in your thong wasted is a bad thing
He said last night that he'd never had such a great conversation and such a great handjob at the same time.
I tried to tell him I love him but it came out something like "We're both fucked up and it works."
Target doesn't accept your signature for your credit card if you draw a dick on the pad. Even of your name is Richard.
I FOUND THE NORMAL CONDOMS. THIS IS GOD TELLING ME TO CHASE AFTER MY DREAM.
Getting my nails done with Diana... I'm going for the keep your friends close and the girl who's dating the guy you want to fuck closer
It was like I was playing the clarinet on his penis. And I just kept saying I'm sorry.
I don't think I bit anyone but I woke up to scrapes knees, bruises and new friends.
How the hell do you misplace a bag of tacos in a closet?
It's like I'm tryna ride my horse through dennis quaid’s vineyard
That's a sexy sentence
I got wing sauce on the baby and licked it off. If you were wondering how I'm doing.
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