i'm satisfied with the level of pretty that his new girlfriend isn't.
No I am not eating basil off your cock
I found my underwear on the sidewalk 8 blocks from her house while on my walk of shame. I also found our beer bag and a full beer in the bush.
... I threw up in the shower this morning
You were "I'm not drunk" drunk.
I was feeling sad so bedroom vodka seemed like the best solution at the time.
You're the Michael Phelps of my vagina. Most decorated Fuckolympian of all time.
Am I going to be on condom boxes?
Dude, she got "I party too much" skinny. She looks like a recovering drug addict.
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
I immediately retract my statement involving hylecopters being allowed to blow up sharks out of the water.... The idea if it is super incredible but ultimately it would be cruel and unessesary
All I know is I got on a table at late night and sang gotta go my own way
Dude, I just hit your nipple with a bottle of lube while you were wearing a shirt, 10 feet away without my glasses and I only have "not bad" aim?
I was orgasming and dying of laughter at the same time. I think I've found the One.
holy shit the woman im hooking up with is closer to my moms age than my own
Currently doing the walk of shame out of some random girls house with my boyfriend. Talk about relationship goals.
If you dont get laid dressed as Woody Harrelson in Zombieland, I have lost all faith in the men of nw Indiana.
I think he may actually care that I call him slampiece instead of his real name. Who knew he had feelings?
Randomize
