Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
covered in glitter, my cheek hurts, and theres a handprint on my face. Would i do it again. Absolutly
broke, out of weed, out of gas, out of food, and my gf just left me.
you're writing country songs now?
Never use fire and ice condoms with a dude who always claims he "didn't know it was the wrong hole"
She legitimately thought I was hiding in the fridge, then she checked the second one to be sure
Everybody needs breakup sex. You just happened to get yours from a dude who hasn't reached the point of breakup yet. No biggie.
Sorry man, but I'd rather do drugs with strangers than watch sports with you. It's not personal, drugs always beat sports.
Dude he took a shit in the lake and it just floated around and lingered near our boat for 2 hours. I fucking hate that kid
She answered the door wearing a basket, said it was the only clean thing she had.
I don't WANT a sex disease! Especially one assigned to me by my supervisor..
Uber driver offered to have sex with me since I went home solo. - rock bottom
What's the best way to tell someone that I accidentally wound up in a gay harem?
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
Already drunk, almost got in a fight with a bunch of irish chicks. And another with canadians. On my way to get a tattoo. I plan to regret this trip.
She was gone when I unblacked out, but she had nailed her panties to the wall and wrote “Colleen’s Dick”with a sharpie on the wall. No idea where she got a hammer and nail
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