she gave me a schnouzer then wanted to kiss while we were having sex...i had to puppy slap her nose. pick me up out front.
Just opened a beer with eyelash curlers... miss you.
My mom said I should get that 'not fucking anybody' problem fixed.
I tried douching with a turkey baster. Not the brightest idea.
she has a picture of her daughter riding a giant rooster.. of course i want to make obscene cock jokes
Jen gave my number to some guy she met in NY. He sent me a picture of his weiner. He had nice shoes. I replied with a pic of bacon.
When in doubt always reply with bacon.
i want to be friends with one of those mini shredded wheat men.
Went to the doctor's today. The lady took one look at my throat and said "oh god"
Too much penis in there.
He asked me if I wanted to blow his whistle and proceeded to pull out an actual whistle.
Apparently I called him, said "vodka" and then hung up on him.
Should I tell him how he got the bruise on his ass or just enjoy his theories?
We shared a dick. We're practically sisters!
Just remembered that I got laid thanks to my glow in the dark Batman belt buckle. Need to wear it more often.
she's pretty fucking smug for someone who has had unprotected sex with a convicted felon
went to class still drunk this morning and my professor made the class give me a round of applause and said, "see people, THIS is inspirational... if she can make it to class in this condition there is no excuse not to show up!"
Randomize
