And you kept hanging up and calling back because you thought I wasn't greeting you properly.
this episode of spongebob makes me wish crabby patties were real
New Jersey isn't a real state, it's just a myth you tell little kids to scare them like Canada or Carrot Top
battery dying...get laid and text me after...or during...its whatever.
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call
Highlight of the night was you walking into the men's room yelling "My husband is diabetic" and crawling under the stall to yell at me.
Had a booty call cancel on me tonight. Said he hurt his back. So this is what single and 30-something is like. Suck.
I really like your cover photo on fb that looks cool
In case birth mom friends me back, thought I should make it less drunk looking.
I actually feel a twinge of sadness recycling all of our handles... I feel like I'm throwing out some great memories or lack of them because we don't remember
Did my married ex-boyfriend really tell me that he prays for me? Fucking Judas
I just smoked a bowl alone and took my Zyrtec here's to a full night.
I didn't even know this guy existed until he'd had his hands down my pants, so I just went with it.
He obv doesn't know that telling a woman to chill will get him murdered
THAT'S MY GIRL
KICKING BUT AND GETTING PEOPLE INTOXICATED
What is the best medium with which to say, "Happy Birthday, I'm having your abortion"... Cake? Card?
Randomize
