Shark Week may as well be Shark Weed.
Only you could manage to look like a complete slut while wearing a turtle neck.
I am the drunkest girl in the tree.
He kept saying "this is a bad idea" wasn't in his vocabulary. He left at 2 came back at 6 eating frozen waffles and he had a symbol, a moped mirror, and a new MacBook. I'd say he had a good time
Bruises. Everywhere. Table sex is dangerous
its 4am and she invited me over to split a 'romantic bowl of frosted flakes'...really dude?...what do you think she's trying to say?...she better not be kidding about the frosted flakes though.
Morning yack off the fire escape. Girl walking by was mortified. Gooooooooo Ducks!!
I want to be you.
I apologize for violently hooking up with her in front of you in the jacuzzi last night.
I don't mean to complain but you could have done a better job of keeping me alive last night
You wore a man's plastic top hat last night.
No I didn't. Whiskey did.
Things are coming back to me in chunks. I vaguely remember signing a shirt that said 'I enjoy vagina'
I AM SO PROUD OF YOU
He made the moves first, we made out...then we folded his laundry.
He said he discovered the mysteries of the universe inside an orange... I want whatever he was on.
Yea. You locked yourself outside naked with nothing but running shoes and claimed it was a "parent trap thing."
Woke up to find that I was cock blocked by no more than three people.
Randomize
