This is how scared I get when I ride roller coasters. And how scared I was when I had to poop when I had herpes.
he was like Britney Spears in bed.. a little chubby and too medicated to perform.
so there is either a lot of blood or a lot of wine in the shower....
we tried to pick out bridesmaid dresses with pockets so we could sneak flasks in with us. what the fuck is the point of a dry wedding?
Remind me tomorrow that I was taking shots of burnetts in the subway line while placing my order
#1- I went to button my shirt only to find they were all mising. #2- I'm so fu@king sore I feel like I was sweating to the oldies all night. #3- this pounding headache I have, I blame solely on Jennifer. Everyone sounds like Billy Mays when they talk. I remember nothing from last night, I'm concerned.
You know you're at a low point when you're sucking vodka out if your hair.
Want to come over? I'm getting stoned and watching Netflix and making s'mores over a candle in my room
Everyone is speaking Spanish and this 300 hundred pound chick is talking about the time she got out of prison... Fuck this place
god it feels good to gold a bottle of opiates again.
I think that typo was actually more appropriate than what you intended.
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
So last night was the first of "I got cut off before I walked in the bar".
I'm on A4A looking at dick pics while the CEO is on the phone trying to convince me not to leave the company
i realized my signature handshake has now become a hookup. i love what college has done to me.
Last night’s booty call turned into a cuddlefest. Get your game face on, we’re hunting dick tonight
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