if your leaving for the weekend then im farting on your pillow
I thought you said his peep was too small
it is but i have no money and nothing is on tv until 7 when americas next top model comes on.
oh so you have enough money for the third eye blind concert but not enough for the morning after pill?
I love that she's always that person who people think it's a good idea to invite her to something. and then she's there and you realize, "nope."
If relationships were based on ego stroking and meaningless sex, we'd be soulmates
i was so worried that when his hands were down my pants he was going to find the weed i stole from him
We found her naked passed out on the bathroom floor. She didn't even make it to the shower. She was clutching the bathroom rug.
THE CONDOM ONLY COVERS HALF OF HIS DICK I AM IN THE BATHROOM PANICKING
Life seems so much brighter and more vibrant after you have sex with a 20 year old. It's like how Kansas was in black and white and Oz was in technicolor.
Hey douche face I just want you to know, if you ever got hit by a bus, I'd really miss you.
Only if you died obviously.
Apparently HR frowns upon current employees introducing themselves to the new employee as "Hi I'm sleeping with your cousin"
I went on a psycho cleaning spree so I feel I've earned the right to spend the day in bed watching porn and eating sausage biscuits. If you bring alcohol you can join me.
All other girlfriends are inferior. You are the chosen one.
I guess you never know how much of an impact you have on someone until you sleep with their cousin
I can't remember what I did last night, but judging from the state of my hair I had a pretty good time.
bitch, i have a flask. i've got things under control.
god. marry me.
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